intimacy

[taw]

okay caregivers..........I've already vented about cargiver's life and really thank the four responses I received.....now I see this is the place to vent and get support from those who are going through the same things............so now I have a sort of personal question.......
there is no more sexual intimacy.........it is gone...my spouse talks about it as usual but not able to any longer.......and I guess it's just came to terms with me that it may not ever be any different......there are so many things they don't tell you about dialysis........don't get me wrong I am thankful for it in order to keep my husband alive.....but the stress is killing us...

[Peaches]

I think what bothers me the most is how selfish I feel. I feel awful because my husband has this disease and all of the ways it effects him ( including the intimacy or lack of!) and yet, it has done terrible things to my life as well. Is it wrong to feel frustrated because my life has taken such a huge turn? i could really use some feedback from other caregivers on how they feel about there life changes, too~!:

[taw]

I am with you Peaches.........I know exactly what you are talking about...I feel the same way...........

[malibu]

Hi taw and peaches. I am a caregivier for my husband, he has fought dialysis for 2 yrs now but finally had his AV Graft installed last week. His GFR has been 20 or under sine December 08.

I know just how you guys feel. I just sit and cry sometimes thinking that my life is over. There are so many constraints on what we do nowdays and all of it revolves around the sick person in my life. This is not what I planned my life to be like. It is very frustrating that my life is so different than it used to be, that I have to take care of him, that we have to eat right, have to this and that. I am really sick of it sometimes. And when MM does something careless or insensative toward me I really really wonder what in the heck I am thinking in this relationship.

But, then other times I take a deep breath......and just plow ahead. Others have it so much worse than I do. What was it I saw on TV last night, I griped about not having any shoes until I saw a man with no feet. It is true my friends. Life is really what you make it. You can make this as miserable as you want it to be or as pleasant as you possibly can. Outside of the times that I am crying and feeling sorry for myself I choose to make it the best life I can make for myself.

That being said, the day MM was having his graft installed I talked at length to a woman at the hospital for a long time. She asked me what my hobbies were. Guess what they are? Reading and taking care of MM. That told me something.

[lectropet]

I can really relate to this thread. I am the patient and not the caregiver. I am male and when I was first married 43 years ago I had to have it every day no mater what. I was in the Army stationed on the EAst Coast at Fort Bragg, North Carolina and I went home on leave and was with my sweetheart for one day and just talked her into marrying me at the end of the week and She agreed to it. Her mother was furious at me because she wanted to put on this huge wedding with all of the bells and the whistles and I messed up that dream of hers. This was her only daughter. But guest what Folks Mom is just a block from the church in a convalescent home and I get to wheel her over to the church in a wheel chair. /And sometimes she doesn't know who I am and refuses to go with me. but this isn't about pushing the mother-in-law to church in a wheel chair. Sorry. Ok back to this intimacy thing. My wife had cancer real bad five years ago and the Chemo was making her deathly sick. And so I told her. You know what I can do with out since you are so ill. we will call it quits as far as the sex is concerned and we were both ok with that. Now that she is better I ask her can we resume where we left off and so far the answer has been NO. but that is ok because for awhile I thought we were going to lose her and she is still here and now she is my caregiver but I am able to walk and feed myself and all of that but I had to quit my job and so there is this loss of pay. MY wife gets up early in the morning 5:30 to take me to dialysis even on the holiday when she could have slept in. And I let her do most of the driving because the driving scares me now. SS is not near to what what I was making. Instead of buying a new car I had to buy a 17 year old car. So I just tell her every day that I am deeply in love with her and I give her a hug while we were in the kitchen. I can't do anything in the bed because the graft is in the left arm and I am not allowed to lay on that arm. But I don't really miss it. when we are in the car and going somewhere I start to get an erection but when we get home it is gone and then I say OH WELL spelt with an H. So It is my problem too. And so I am thinking right now I prayed to God to heal her of her cancer. And I think that he did her CA- 125 score is below 10 around 6-7 and she has her chemo every 11 weeks. But that is good enough for me. I have my beautiful wife still living with me and she is there for me when I am going through the dumps of depression. Last week I had the 14th surgery on my shunt graft to unclot it and the surgeons told me they expect to see me next month to do the same . And I am thinking there will be no end to this. surgery every month to clean out a blood clot. and dialysis three times a week and I have to give my self a bloody shot every night and sometimes it hurst like the dickens. It is a blood thinner. and so I must give my self the shot or plan on being in the OR on the table having them rotor rooter my arm veins and arteries and if you don't think that doesn't hurt wait for them to use the angioplasty to expand a collapsed vein or artery. It is heart attack time. Sorry I probably didn't help you any. You just hold him in your arms while in the bed and tell him that you love him. I tell her that I am so happy that you married me 43 years ago and that has been the best times of my life during those years.